Icetea.

I have been home for a few hours now. I woke up to the sound of a text message. It was Jess and she was coming to see me. I have missed that girl so much. I told her everything. I can't wait until she comes to visit me. She won tickets to a Ball at the rocks later in the year and she invited me to go with her. Open bar and an excuse to get into a beautiful dress, fingers crossed we get the extra two tickets so we can bring "a pretty boy with us" :) That's why I love Jess.She brings me back down to earth in the most simple ways. It is rare that you find someone as beautiful as her.

Today I went for a drive. Everything seemed so automated once again. Programmed into me. My car felt like it did not weigh anything at all. The road passed so smoothly underneath me. I felt like I was gliding. I did the usual lap around town. Down the main street, across the bridge and around to all the beaches. I got a sundae and sat at one mile like Cassie and I use to. I sat remembering the hours we sat in each others cars, eating ice cream and talking shit. The words would either tumble out of our mouths or we would sit in complete silence. I miss that.

I went out to the shopping centre and bought a new season of scrubs and some wicked green nail polish. Walking around, I didn't like it. I felt eyes on me. Supre is an insult to Forster but at the same time I think it sum's it up pretty perfectly. Simple, Basic and Boring. I ran into a few friendly faces and it was obvious that nothing had changed much. I'm glad I'm not wasting time there anymore. It is stale. I am determined not to rot.I played guitar tonight and drank ice tea. I've started singing again, now that I have found a voice.

Easter got me thinking. I am an athiest. I don't believe in a god. Simple as that. Move on, I can get on with life. Yes, I disagree with the bad resulting from religion. I feel sorry for those who "need" something to believe in. But at the same time, I have said all that I can on the topic and I will lastly say this, I'm tired and sick of hearing all your disproving and anti-religion rants. Shut the fuck up and try to enjoy a day off for a change. Shut out the rest of the world for once and forget all the big concepts. Hopefully one day it will make you feel better. You honestly shit me to tears.

I hate feeling like this. Right now, I know I have made a mistake and I have a massive lump in my throat. I don't want to hurt, and I will. I don't want to be hurt, but I have. I don't know who to turn to and I feel like I have placed my head in the guillotine once again. I know when I go back, I will lie in bed at night, and again, feel so alone. Whatever the outcome, I will feel alone. Just a friend. The one who they come to. That's all. I just want to shut it out. I feel ugly.